~Prana~

Checking Out

You've been a wonderful audience,
it's been a pleasure being here in your computer.
thank you!
I'm here til Wednesday...
be sure to tip your waitress!

what it's like

BIG NEWS FIRST:
I'M A SPECIAL GIRL TODAY!!!

it's the second day of spring
and i've been here in this apt f/t
for exactly one month.

parts of that have been the very very big SUCK,
which, since that's been lodged in my throat for so long now,
i've become quite skilled at talking AROUND.

But i'm talking today about the good parts.

some of you know
that i've moved over 30 times in my life.
so i was young when i learned
that you can't go home.

what that means, to me,
is that you can't leave, and then waltz back in
and expect everyone to have been waiting around for you...

when you leave a place, people go on with their lives.

so i didn't come back here
17 years later
with any romantic notions.

i have reconnected with some old friends
and that is awesome.
it's interesting to hear how their lives have proceeded.

instead, i find much comfort in sweet nostalgia
being able to point out things to Fin...
and I feel that we are snug and tranquil and protected here.

i grew up more or less beside the ocean
always with the beach nearby
or on a boat
i love the beach and the water.
it's very symbiotic.

however, i've been surprised to discover
that it's here in the mountains that i feel SAFE
~safety being such a huge issue for me~
and i cannot stop admiring their majesty.
every day they look different.

it's kind of odd, because when i lived in VT as a student
i came here to live with my DAD
and we all know what kind of fellow he is.
nothing safe going on there.

but perhaps it has more to do with having the freedom
to discover MYSELF here
and living here as a young adult {NOT with my father}
i guess i can't explain it for certain
and i don't know that i need to.

the longer i am here,
the stronger i feel.
i never could have gotten off the meds in NY
there was too much stimulus
and quite frankly it would have overwhelmed me
during a state as fragile as detox.

New York, where i was in particular,
is too much too much too much
with not enough good in return.
{Sorry Tony}.

Fin has made such a wonderful smooth transition
his teacher told me his classmates embraced him
and since some of the work they're doing
is behind what he was doing in NY,
he's finally gaining a sense of self-efficacy.
WooT!

He was talking to me the other day
about Vermont's natural resources
telling me:
cheese butter cows maple syrup
is all made here!
He seemed to be getting a sense of pride
and ownership from these facts.

So anyway.
it is all the good
and altho everything is temporary?
i can't imagine ever wanting to leave here again.

i like, i hate...
i hate food.
all this grief has to go somewhere
and it's most obvious to turn it on myself.

i'm talking here about the grief
that was hiding under all the meds
as well as the current sadness.

i like it that when i lie on my side in my bed
my knees stacked one on the other
hurt

i like that i can feel myself sitting
on two hard knobs
are they assbones, or what?

i like the feeling of empty within.

i like ribs and jutting and bones like weapons.

last night i was fetishing vomiting.
i'd drank a lot of water so it would have been easy.
just reach back in there
and twiddle that uvula...
i didn't give in.

i hate the obvious fact
that there will always be something wrong with me.

i'm not as thin as it may sound that i am,
despite those new physical sensations...

what is one supposed to do with all of
...that...?

anger sadness frustration
all the feelings that feel like too much
that feel like they would swallow me whole
and keep me locked inside wailing?

i need to get up, be a mom, go to work,
cook dinner.

i've learned to swallow the lump in my throat
and usually i am able to talk around it.

and so, instead, poke at myself.
the most obvious victim.
and then i can be both predator and prey.
which will give me a whole new set of self-hatred issues
to manage.
or not.

HNT tonight at Mascota.

Sirius apparently WANTS me to process ALL my pain
RIGHT. NOW.

This morning, i heard Patty Griffin's Rain,
which despite owning the cd,
i had more or less forgotten about:

btw i'd never seen this video before.
It's really, really good.
i saw her play live at City Hall awhile back...
she was effin' awesome.

and then on the heels of that,
Mat Kearney
whom i just posted over at Mascota.
and it is raining here today.
<sigh>

i wish i could be like a guy
and just move right on
without looking back
no pain whatsoever
no need to talk about it.
i wish i could be like a guy
and decide that once i love someone,
no one else will ever even come close.

Seriously, now, Folks.

Someone is fucking with a friend of mine.
A very, very good friend...probably, truth be told,
my BEST {male} friend.
Regardless of what you know
or what you THINK you know
or anything else,
if you think you're doing me a favor
or defending me
or accomplishing anything other than making
a total fucking ass of yourself

YOU'RE NOT.

STOP IT.

NOW.

Redhead. Scorpio. No meds.
Trust me,
not someone you want to mess with.

pimpin' & plans

it's never a good sign
when i start craving music...
it means i need to get over something.
i didn't even want there to be anything to get over,
goddamnit.
anyway.

THIS SONG is especially pertinent.

I need you to pin me down
Just for one frosen moment.
I need someone to pin me down
So I can live in torment.
I need you to really feel
The twist of my back breaking
I need someone to listen
To the ecstacy Im faking.
I need you you you

I need you to catch each breath
That issues from my lips
I need someone to crack my skull
I need someone to kiss.
So hold me now
And make pretend
That I wont ever fall
Oh hold me down
I'm gonna be your baby doll

TOMORROW NIGHT! A fresh serving of HNT
over at Mascota!
don't miss it!

Also! Fin's JUMPING ROPE FOR HEART.
we need donors/sponsors.
Details at Mascota.

lastly.
many of you who KNOW me
know that i'm fickle, given to whiplash topic changes...
and that it can take me a while to zero in on things...
However, once i find my feet,
it's not long before i'm running forward.
that laser Scorpio focus...
So here's my plan:
get divorced...the two considerations there are...Legalzoom, which is expendient and cheap;
or, wait til I'm in VT 6 months and do it via mediation here...VT is more agressive re child support and also is a no-fault divorce state, which NY is not;
legally change my name. I've been using a different first name for years now
and following the divorce, i'll be ready to mark the new life.
go back to college...more grants for single moms. Prolly for nursing or something...I love my creative side and it nurtures me tremendously but it doesn't pay the bills.

2 things:

why why why do i do this to myself?
i'm swearing OFF men altogether.
if their mouths are moving, they're lying.

i'm spoiled now.
i do not wish to date men who do not appeal to me visually
{and that's a moveable feast based upon...}
i do not wish to spend time with fellows
who have nothing to say.
they have to SPEAK, clearly, intelligently,
and hopefully with some brevity.

i've been going by the theory that
the MORE men i date,
the HIGHER my chances are of finding someone who can manage me
(ROTFLMFAO)
Let's be realistic...
no one can manage me.

and, you know, it's always a good idea
to get right back in the game
as soon as possible after getting burned.
Don't take time to process anything.

the other thing is,
there are PEOPLE in my LIFE
who CLEARLY are NOT HAPPY about my relocation.
These are people i thought would be supportive
(ie, my MOM)
and who CLAIM to be supportive
but whose actions--even the tone of voice--
do NOT match up with their words.
Seems to be going around.

more NO THANKS to the meds, & STRENGTH

this is a tough post.
i wanted to get off the meds.
or so i thought.
i wish i'd known what i was going to have to face.
i feel like i was sleepwalking
using the meds as a crutch...

i mean, i wanted to be off the meds
but i didn't know there was going to be so much residual stuff
to process.
not the least of which is,
feeling mighty crappy about being absent from life
while i was on them.
that may be an overstatement
BUT on the other hand it's not.

but anyways.
here is a photo of me ~n~ my brother from January 07,
his birthday.

i only have two small mirrors in the apartment
(in the New York house i had lots of full-length mirrors)
so unless i take a pic,
i kinda don't know exactly what i look like.
here i am 14 months later, (because i wanted to say
here's how i looked last year
and this was the closest i could get)
about 35# lighter,
three weeks or so off the meds.

i mean, i'm not particularly HAPPY in this pic
because, you know, lots of stuff on my mind
and in my heart...
but still.
WoW.
i look positively BLOATED in that top pic.
what a difference.
{the bad part is, the fat kept my wrinkles inflated,
or something. i look positively haggard in the 2nd pic!}
and as the weight falls away,
the baggage floats to the surface
begging to be jettisoned.

i'm trying.

it does trouble me that at FORTY
i still seem so unfamiliar with myself.

OK, so, over at Mascota,
i talked about feeling GOOD this weekend.
i don't know why i'm keeping two sites,
i guess i have a lot to say
although that's often been a BAD thing for me.
i've had other sites before
and it's been easy to let them languish.
not this time, though.

But here's MORE good that i know ya'll will enjoy.
MM had called me complaining about the ferrets.
he said, It's a knife in my back to have to care for them.
They smell and that makes me negative
{eh, as if he needed an excuse!}
and, You abandoned them!
{no complaints about leaving my DOG though!}
so i dealt with it promptly
especially since he's going out of town next week.
i put an ad on craigslist
and immediately found them a new home
and faciliated the communication between MM & the new owners.

MM called me up the next day.
He felt bad that they were gone.

???

BUT instead of being cowed down,
i said, You got what you wanted; i did what you asked.
You feel bad about getting your way?
instead of my old learned behavior of apologizing and taking responsibility.
Yay me!

Here are some kewl pix of old local business advertisements:

ya know
i feel fine all week.
when i have to travel to New York,
i feel like shit.
however this weekend i am staying home.
i'm happy about this choice.

HOWEVER
whenever i talk to MM, i feel like shit AGAIN.
he knows just what to say
how to make me feel guilty.
or else i'm just buying into it,
because i always did...

he says he feels like Fin forgot about him
how can he just leave me without looking back?
and that the relationship he has with his son
is being destroyed because I took Fin away from him.

i know it sucks for him
i'm cognizant and trying very hard to be empathic
he still believes in reconciliation
and says he will change, etc.
but underneath the same issues are still there,
he's still himself.

it SUCKS because i hate to HURT anyone.
<sigh>

but his expectations of his son...
are not realistic.
so now he's got this anger and resentment
and i know he'll carry that around.
he's good at holding a grudge.

i'm so mild, such an effing pushover,
that when he says
YOU TOOK MY SON
it elicits no self-protective response...
(something along the lines of, you should have thought of that sooner.
like any one of the times i said i was leaving.)
it makes me question my decision to leave.
i feel responsible for EVERYTHING
and of course, back to second-guessing myself.

this is a time when i wish for the input of a former friend
whom i am missing.

BUT! there are still friends!
i still have a few people on the field defending me
propping me up
telling me when my thinking is not clear...

so, ehrm, if any one of you wants to pipe up right about now...

acceptance

on Thursday
i was hearing about acceptance
and it made sense to me...
really, that's all you can do:
accept yourself where you are;
accept others where they are;
accept God's plan.
No second-guessing
{yeah i've been doing THAT for 8 years now.
such a relief to have permission to trust myself
and stop questioning everything i do.}

i was feeling this wide-openhearted lovingkindness acceptance
towards the Master.
he is where he is: which seems to me
to be in this place of longing desperately for a particular girl
and/or for some great romantic love.
and i am where i am:
without the meds, no buffer zone.
i FEEL things much more intensely now.
(which seemingly translates into drama)...
i'm also trying hard to rebuild my own self-respect
which i've crushed under my own boot heel repeatedly.

i tried to express this to him;
i think i failed.
i've got no mad/bad/sad/hard feelings towards him.
if anything i feel sorry that he's in a state of such pining;
but i want for him, what he wants for himself.
Which is, i suppose, happiness.
he's gotta do his thing,
go for what he wants.

i have to do my thing, too,
which is regain my sense of self
and maybe learn to like myself.

these paths are not crossing right now.

i do feel sad because he was such an awesome friend
for so long

but everything happens for a reason, right?

so i've given it all up to God
and this is the last i'm going to write about it.