~Prana~

Checking Out

You've been a wonderful audience,
it's been a pleasure being here in your computer.
thank you!
I'm here til Wednesday...
be sure to tip your waitress!

what it's like

BIG NEWS FIRST:
I'M A SPECIAL GIRL TODAY!!!

it's the second day of spring
and i've been here in this apt f/t
for exactly one month.

parts of that have been the very very big SUCK,
which, since that's been lodged in my throat for so long now,
i've become quite skilled at talking AROUND.

But i'm talking today about the good parts.

some of you know
that i've moved over 30 times in my life.
so i was young when i learned
that you can't go home.

what that means, to me,
is that you can't leave, and then waltz back in
and expect everyone to have been waiting around for you...

when you leave a place, people go on with their lives.

so i didn't come back here
17 years later
with any romantic notions.

i have reconnected with some old friends
and that is awesome.
it's interesting to hear how their lives have proceeded.

instead, i find much comfort in sweet nostalgia
being able to point out things to Fin...
and I feel that we are snug and tranquil and protected here.

i grew up more or less beside the ocean
always with the beach nearby
or on a boat
i love the beach and the water.
it's very symbiotic.

however, i've been surprised to discover
that it's here in the mountains that i feel SAFE
~safety being such a huge issue for me~
and i cannot stop admiring their majesty.
every day they look different.

it's kind of odd, because when i lived in VT as a student
i came here to live with my DAD
and we all know what kind of fellow he is.
nothing safe going on there.

but perhaps it has more to do with having the freedom
to discover MYSELF here
and living here as a young adult {NOT with my father}
i guess i can't explain it for certain
and i don't know that i need to.

the longer i am here,
the stronger i feel.
i never could have gotten off the meds in NY
there was too much stimulus
and quite frankly it would have overwhelmed me
during a state as fragile as detox.

New York, where i was in particular,
is too much too much too much
with not enough good in return.
{Sorry Tony}.

Fin has made such a wonderful smooth transition
his teacher told me his classmates embraced him
and since some of the work they're doing
is behind what he was doing in NY,
he's finally gaining a sense of self-efficacy.
WooT!

He was talking to me the other day
about Vermont's natural resources
telling me:
cheese butter cows maple syrup
is all made here!
He seemed to be getting a sense of pride
and ownership from these facts.

So anyway.
it is all the good
and altho everything is temporary?
i can't imagine ever wanting to leave here again.

i like, i hate...
i hate food.
all this grief has to go somewhere
and it's most obvious to turn it on myself.

i'm talking here about the grief
that was hiding under all the meds
as well as the current sadness.

i like it that when i lie on my side in my bed
my knees stacked one on the other
hurt

i like that i can feel myself sitting
on two hard knobs
are they assbones, or what?

i like the feeling of empty within.

i like ribs and jutting and bones like weapons.

last night i was fetishing vomiting.
i'd drank a lot of water so it would have been easy.
just reach back in there
and twiddle that uvula...
i didn't give in.

i hate the obvious fact
that there will always be something wrong with me.

i'm not as thin as it may sound that i am,
despite those new physical sensations...

what is one supposed to do with all of
...that...?

anger sadness frustration
all the feelings that feel like too much
that feel like they would swallow me whole
and keep me locked inside wailing?

i need to get up, be a mom, go to work,
cook dinner.

i've learned to swallow the lump in my throat
and usually i am able to talk around it.

and so, instead, poke at myself.
the most obvious victim.
and then i can be both predator and prey.
which will give me a whole new set of self-hatred issues
to manage.
or not.

HNT tonight at Mascota.

Sirius apparently WANTS me to process ALL my pain
RIGHT. NOW.

This morning, i heard Patty Griffin's Rain,
which despite owning the cd,
i had more or less forgotten about:

btw i'd never seen this video before.
It's really, really good.
i saw her play live at City Hall awhile back...
she was effin' awesome.

and then on the heels of that,
Mat Kearney
whom i just posted over at Mascota.
and it is raining here today.
<sigh>

i wish i could be like a guy
and just move right on
without looking back
no pain whatsoever
no need to talk about it.
i wish i could be like a guy
and decide that once i love someone,
no one else will ever even come close.